backyard crowing


run-in with matt #1: state of the reunion

i had a run in with matt #1. i was walking down the hall in the union around where the food court is this evening, and topaz and i were chewing the fat. i think she was on about some guy she once dated, before she figured out she was a lesbian. anyway, then he's walking toward us, and he hides behind a display. Ricockulous.

i don't know what to think or how to feel...

i guess i feel sad, that all that joy could end up sadness and avoidance. for once i think i actually want to be friends with a guy post-breakup. it would just make me feel better. we shared something beautiful, we genuinely liked each other.

but then there was the fact that he was using me. or he was too shy to ask me out, whatever. no guy is too shy to ask for what he wants when that thing is a woman. the bottom line is that he didn't call and he didn't ask me out. so fuck him.

and now he avoids me... of course. i mean i don't know what i would have said had we talked, but i still wish something was said. we may never have anything to do with each other again, and i guess that's fine, but it would do my heart good just to say 'hi' and 'how are you?' and make some small talk. i hate small talk.

the ordinary reader would now assume that i loved him, but no, i don't. occasionally i'll still pine, but not too often, certainly nothing like fucking marcus.

i just hope he doesn't think i'm obsessed with him, that would be nauseating.

i've come to this conclusion: he didn't say 'hi' because he figured i'd attack him. he knows he screwed me over.

and what's more, it's really pissing me off that nat backs him. according to her, when she asked him if he liked me, he blushed, etc., and said recently that he really liked me, but was just really bad with girls. well you know what? make the effort. make the fucking effort. i made him know i liked him, he had the go-ahead.

so she doesn't blame him at all for this shit he's put me through.

i'm considering de-friending him on facebook. it's petty, i know, but it's all i have left to politely say, "fuck you."

Update: okay, mission accompli. He is now de-friended. Fuck him

The fucking asshole makes me more and more pissed the more I think about him, so Iím going to bed. Iíve thought up several different ways to leave him and insulting, condescending note on facebook, but Iím deciding Iím better than that, Iím going to take the higher ground. Like abbie knows, if I tell him whatís the proper way to treat a girl, then heíll know, and heíll get one. If I let it be heíll just think he can sling other girls around in the same way, and then theyíll figure out heís an ass and heíll be alone and lonely.

Resolved: that if I ever see him again, I will ignore him in the grandest of ways. And if he doesnít see me, Iíll MAKE him see me, and MAKE him see that I see him, and then turn away as if he is the scourge of the earth.

I have to breathe deep and think about that quote from juno. ďFind someone who thinks the sun shines out your ass, whether youíre having a bad day or a good day or whatever mood youíre in.Ē

(I butchered that quote, but you get the idea.)

Heíll be there. I found a best friendÖthen again, I donít know if it counts, since I would go insane if I married her.

- Thursday, feb. 26, 2009


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