backyard crowing


east side

Realizing how much I miss listening to music, really listening. Not as entertainment, not as a background to cooking, but really listening.

Ray is setting up the new/used 3DTV. It's quite gorgeous.

We've moved in together, to the east side. Hip places galore over here.

I've googled The Corrs and October Project, so starting to listen to them again. Their harmonies are absolutely beautiful.

In other news, I didn't have to go to court for eviction. Called the landlord's corporate office (which is actually on site with my landlord, HEH,) and about 2 hours before I was to go to the pretrial hearing, they dropped the charges.

Long story short: we set up a payment plan, they forgot to tell me to sign papers about it, and I naively forgot to ask about any papers. So they filed for eviction. But corporate fixed it.

School starts again soon. It feels strange to be 29 and still in school. I'll be...30 when I graduate, or nearly so. Strange. I'm older than all of my colleagues.

I hope this works out. My life, I mean. I'm a slow goer with most everything. Slow to lose my virginity, to graduate, to date, to kiss, to be born. I was I think 2 weeks late to birth? Ah, well. I was 9 pounds.

I've been digging through old papers and whatnot today, looking at what to throw away, what to keep. I wrote many wise things while either sad, or drunk, or both.

I read this on gay marriage: "They'll understand once they realize this love is love." That was from 2009.

Ray is having quite an awful time setting up internet with TW at the moment. We had internet, didn't have it, and now we hope to get by with internet and cable at the end of this call. Meh.

I found a couple of cards from mom that made me tear up. A couple of paper napkins about killing myself. A couple of congratulatory notes on my confirmation in...1998. Wow.

I was troubled as a young lady in her 20s. I cared about men too much, and I cried often, I was depressed. I thought deeply about things, and I had a voice. I used a broad vocabulary, I was creative. I don't think I'm as I was, and that's for the better and the worse. Mostly these days it's anxiety and anger. It's bare bones survival, on eggs and ramen.

I'm no longer lost, I know what I want. I'm scared about the future, but I have a (relatively) distinct idea of what I want to do with my life. I wish I could travel. It's still in my veins, unused, longed for, like that sore tooth you can't afford to get investigated.

But it's more, too. I feel pangs of jealousy when I see how much my friends travel, or their four bedroom houses. Have they really worked harder than I have? Have they really struggled as I have? I doubt it.

I don't even care about the houses. But I want a chance to really live, to get out there. I haven't had that.

I'm tired of the same old thing. I hate Texas. I hate Austin. It's time to go. Degree first, degree first. But then I want the hell out of here. I'm not supposed to be here. It's too damn hot.

Ray is bound and determined to get the stupid internet working. I couldn't care less. It'll get there when it gets there. But when will we travel? I'm not talking about hiking, or day trips. I need to GTFO.

I have a bill due on the 5th of August that I won't be able to pay. Sigh. Such is life right now. It fucking sucks. I have to get out of here. It's a trap.

10:00 pm - Thursday, Jul. 30, 2015


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