backyard crowing


Post 1000: Bravery.

Back up, back up, back up.

When I fell in love with video editing, I remember failing often and hard. I remember asking for help from proctors, having fun, and even laughing out loud in a room full of people I didn't know, on their own computers.

I had so much trouble. And when I succeeded, I just fucking rejoiced. The littlest things were a blessing.

I was curious. I wanted to know how documentaries worked, how Avid worked, how editing worked. I knew that eventually, if I could master Avid, there was a job in that. A job where I could have at least some creative input, if not a lot. I knew that I liked software, challenges and all, and that I liked creating a message from scratch.

I knew that eventually I would master Avid--confidence. I could feel it, because I could feel it in my bones when I advanced a few more steps forward. I was doing, all the time. Sometimes I would want to throw the computer on the floor and just stomp on it. I had some moments of cursing like a sailor under my breath.

I now know that during this time I had all the ingredients: hard work, mentorship, failure, confidence, action, enthusiasm, persistence. All kinds of ingredients for creative success. I want to get back to that, and I think I can.

I need to develop a program to buck myself up again. I'm in the home stretch, at this point. Almost done with school. I don't want to give up before it's even my time. I can do this.

I'll list those traits once more:

-hard work
-failure, and persistence through it
-taking action
-oh, yeah - and fear, too

I was definitely afraid my first doc wouldn't play last minute. Actually, it DIDN'T work during the screening -- but I had a backup on my hard drive, and the error was on the university's server, not my fault.

People said I looked sick, deathly ill, when I discovered the video wasn't playing. And when I learned that the most experienced film students in the class were to roll clip AFTER me? I was terrified, a bumbling mess. The girl in that group told me not to worry about it, and that this was an intro class, which made me feel a little better. Women supporting women, it's a beautiful thing. :)

I also remember filming my documentary alone, at coding events that were primarily male-dominated. As I found a parking space outside the first venue, I was so scared that I cried. I wanted to go home, but it was a one-day event. A pop song about bravery played through the car radio.

I just want to see you be brave.

I was plummeted back into my journalism major days -- absolutely terrified that the interviews would go badly, or that the officials would kick me out. I thought that by quitting journalism, I would say goodbye to all that. Now I had a camera in hand, and needed to think about making people comfortable enough to talk about coding. For some reason, this seemed extremely intimidating, mostly because I'd never used a video camera for school purposes, and I was afraid to look like myself -- a complete amateur. No amount of practice at home with that camera would make me feel quite ready.

But...I did it. I went to three of these male-dominated events, met all sorts of coders, and struggled to edit my first silly little film. It seems so long ago now. I can look back at the footage and giggle at rookie errors. After that semester, I was officially in the film school. It was a proud moment.

Never lose sight of it. Never lose sight of your past.

I was just as scared then as I am now. Maybe I'm more scared now, I don't know. But in the end, it doesn't matter. Action. I took action then. I will take action now, for myself. FUCK everyone else.

Realization: the doc I'm working on now isn't about the director, or the editor, or the post supervisor, or any of those people. It is now about ME. It is what I have to do to prove myself to myself. Their opinions be damned.

Interestingly, that's what I had to say of Professor Roldamort. His opinion be damned. Then my edits became far better.

Right now and for as long as it takes, this is my life's battle cry: fuck everyone else, this is my ship. You can have your criticisms, but they barely have an effect on my consciousness. Do. Do. Do.


11:14 pm - Wednesday, Mar. 16, 2016


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