backyard crowing


communication & confidence

Feeling like a fraud today. Like I'm unreliable, ungrateful, like I don't deserve good things.

I think making a list of the things I have accomplished today might help.

So, here goes:

-emailed therapist confirming appt. time
-emailed Woof service to get an onboarding day
-emailed Dad about the project
-attempted to import footage
-emailed an old friend to indicate interest in hanging out

Things I'll do before I leave:

-order that planner online
-make marks on the footage that's bad
-hopefully send an email to the director asking forgiveness

I am trying to be more communicative this year. It doesn't come naturally to me, so I have to work at it. An unanswered email, phone call, text, PM -- these things stress me out. So I avoid them, and then I feel even MORE stressed.

I told R I felt like I wanted to throw up. I think maybe I believe I'm not good enough for my director, and that's part of why I haven't responded quickly.

Maybe responding will make me feel like I've purged the discomfort.

I continue to wish I was someone else.

I was thinking today about how even after he shut me out, I'm welcoming my friend Scottie back into my life. I emailed him to say 'hi' and let him know I'd be into hanging out again. In other words, maybe he sort of ghosted me, but I'm not going to hold it against him. I could tell by his face when I bumped into him that he's going through some stuff. What, I don't know, but maybe it doesn't really matter.

And, my director admitted to me once last December, "sometimes I feel like I'm not good at my job."

The fear of incompetence lives within us all, really. And I'm forgiving of Scottie, so why shouldn't people be forgiving of me?

And why stop just due to fear of incompetence? My dad certainly isn't, so why should I?

12:03 am - Monday, Jan. 09, 2017


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