backyard crowing



Rick and I were talking the other night --

I told him, "I think I need to be more authentic. That's what the universe is telling me."

It's difficult in part due to an inability to feel authentic in the common area of my own home.

He asked, "why do you think you're called to be more authentic?"

I told him of Creg, and how he didn't think I was being authentic.

He said, "Do YOU think you were being authentic with him?"

And I realized that indeed -- I was incredibly authentic with Creg. And then he didn't like that authenticity. Called it inauthentic, in fact.

But he also didn't want me to say I loved him. That's about as vulnerable as a person can get.


I thought recently of one of the last dates I ever went on with Creg. We went rollerblading outside his workplace at night, in the parking lot.

I had trouble keeping up -- his extra pair of skates didn't fit, I had no pads, and the wheels were huge, which is tough for a beginner. I worried about breaking a bone and not having enough to pay for it.

I think he saw this as some sort of weakness in character. Which is ridiculous.

I wasn't feeling myself, and hadn't been for awhile. R was going to come for another visit.

Meanwhile he skated around with great skill...

R is visiting this Christmas and talked about getting a pair of blades, so we could skate together. So unlike Creg, he actually wants to go on this journey with me. Well... from Texas, long distance.

Maybe he's willing to rollerblade because he fears he's losing me, and he didn't want to go snorkeling when I wanted to so badly.

When I'm old, this entry will be funny. Rollerblading? Snorkeling? It'll be long past.

So -- best to find a partner who you'd want to grow grey with.

8:08 pm - Sunday, Dec. 13, 2020


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