backyard crowing
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virginity
a dumb poem:
margarita
gulp
saccharine juice slips slowly
infecting my belly
inducing my sleep
tommorow morning
my stomach will creep
it seems to me that the girls i know who have lost their virginity are more dependent on men liking them. anya never relied so much on a guy as abby, tania, denise, or elyse would. these five girls are some of my best friends.
i feel very strange in this world. i do not want to lose my virginity. why does it seem like i am way behind the times? i feel like everyone who hasn't lost theirs "just hasn't gotten lucky," as tania says. however, tania has also said (on the phone to her virgin friend), "it's okay to be a virgin." i'm glad she said that, for her friend's sake and mine.
denise says, "you've got a rude awakening coming." yeah, but i want to save it. why hurry? if sex is so beautiful, why not make it more beautiful by waiting until marriage? i'm not in a relationship right now, nor do i want to be. i need to focus on school. why am i wasting time writing this?
i'm wondering...
we're all insecure about whoever it is we are, right? so just as i am a tad insecure about my virginity, it would make sense that my friends are tad insecure about their non-virginity. therefore to make themselves feel better about their choices, they would want me to join them in their...debauchery? no no, that's cruel. their choices. hey, the more people choose like you do, the less "weird" you are. and who wants to be weird? who wants to be prude?
i hope i can have a place of my own next semester. i'm so afraid of life, in so many ways. but i'm standing firm now, and i believe in keeping my virginity. it's okay to be a virgin. ...nah, it can be great.
the last time i communicated with marcus was december 11th. yep, if he had any interest in me whatsoever he would definitely have contacted me by now. i don't want to be with him because i know he could put my emotions in danger and make me lose focus on school. i'm proud that i haven't contacted him. i'm impressed that i blocked him on aim. infact, i haven't been on aim in ages anyway. he is not worth my time, and i hope i never see him again, like ray. i don't need those two people in my life. i don't have the time, the energy, or the perversion to give them my ear. i have ceased listening to them. they are dead to me, and i am healthier for this.
i don't want to be dependent on a man for my happiness, and right now, i am not that way. i fear that if i decide to have sex, i will become like elyse was when i knew her, or denise or abby or tania. they are all wonderful, great women who i admire, but that is one decision where i sway differently than they. i am not better than them, nor are they better than me. we have simply made different decisions.
i realize that once i fall head over heels for someone, sex will seem considerably more appealing. i want to stay strong in the face of temptation. annnnnd, i'm starting to sound like a preacher. i am not a preachy type, i swear. i'm just sorting out my insecurities on a screen.
sex changes everything, just like a baby changes everything. i don't need complications.
1:45 am - Monday, Feb. 05, 2007
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